I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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