Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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