I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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