dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
