They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
