do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
