Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ladies don't puke and tell
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
