I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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