My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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