end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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