All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
