you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
