I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
