I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
