So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
