Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
