I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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