Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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