Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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