so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
