I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
