I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
