It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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