Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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