Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
