I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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