I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
