News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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