Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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