But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
