Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
