just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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