8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
