Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
