If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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