there was a trapeze. enough said
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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