Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
