and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
