doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
