Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
