The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
