Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
