Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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