Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
