i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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