Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
