I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
