Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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