Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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