Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
