Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
